Fear

Fear

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of changes.

Fear of transition.

Fear of loneliness.

Fear of not belonging.

Fear of the future.

Fear of inadequacy.

Fear of relationships.

Fear of never feeling at “home" again.

            These are a few of the fears that have crept into my mind at one time or another this past month. Transition, although it leads us to new places and experiences, is NEVER easy I’ve learned.  I’ve been burdened the past few months with the decision of whether or not to renew my contract at Highlands for a third year. Through much prayer and processing, God has given me peace about my decision to return to Indy at the end of June. If only feeling at peace made transition more bearable.

            Returning to Bolivia at the beginning of January to transition into my last semester and last leg of my Bolivian journey has been far from smooth. Nothing is set in stone for next year, worry and fear constantly try to consume me, and even though there are still four months left in the semester, I am already beginning to feel like I am starting the transition process out of this place that now feels like home. I had no idea it would hit me so hard already. I’m caught in a constant struggle to find balance between being fully present in my last few months here and preparing for the next chapter in Indy.

            During this past month, I have felt burdened and there have been many days where I’ve felt like I’m struggling to keep my head above water. However, during this messy time of transition and anxiety about the future, God has continuously been speaking His truth into my life.

            Before leaving Indy, my parents and I went to see Unbroken, the amazing true story of Louis Zamperini, Olympian and World War II POW survivor. My roommate told me about the book (which I HIGHLY recommend reading) last year and I had no idea before reading it the lasting impact Louis’ story and testimony would have on my life. His perseverance through training for the Olympics, being stranded at sea for weeks, literally beating away sharks, being shot at, being tortured (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc..) at Japanese POW camps, and battling alcoholism, is beyond incredible. He faced countless challenges and many horrors that most of us can’t even begin to imagine. Listening to interviews he did in recent years, His testament to God’s faithfulness and love, even in light of all he had been through in his life, is inspiring to say the least.

As Laura Hillenbrand (the author of Unbroken) wrote about Louis, “When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to save him.”

            In some capacity, we are all facing our own relentless struggles. Through Louis’ story of perseverance, forgiveness, redemption, and faith, I am reminded that nothing I’ve faced, am currently facing, or will face in this life is too big for the God I serve.

            Last week, my daily devotion (Jesus Calling) echoed this beautifully, “I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.”

            I recently read an article about fear being an idol. As much as I hate to admit it, I think of many times in my life that I’ve succumbed to fear idolatry. In the article, John Pavlovitz says, “The truth is, Fear has become a false God, one too many of us worship with complete and undying devotion…So let's pray. Let's pray that all of us learn to stop worshipping the false idol of Fear. Let's pray that our churches recapture a sense of the God who is worthy; not just of defending and quoting, but trusting. Let's pray for the rest, joy and humility that comes from putting faith in someone greater than ourselves and in the things we fear. Every day, even with the mystery that grows on the journey, my security is growing. I know how big my God is. Do you?”

            Right now, I’m finding myself fighting this question every day. Am I going to choose to believe how big my God is and put my complete faith in Him? Or am I going to idolize fear and let it consume me? I’m learning that the only way I can consistently choose faith is by communicating these fears to the only One who can defeat them the moment they enter my mind. Is my God able? YES.

            Last week, the sermon at church was on “The Parable of the Lost Sheep” from Luke 15. The pastor explained that when a sheep is lost, it gets scared and lays down. The shepherd leaves the rest of the flock to find the lost sheep. When the sheep is found, the shepherd carries him on his shoulders back to the flock. What a beautiful analogy and great reminder that God will never stop seeking us when we’re lost. He will always find us and carry us back “home” into His presence.     

            After lunch on full days, we have read aloud time. I read a story from the Storybook Bible, which paraphrases stories from the Bible in a way that is easier for children to comprehend. The funny thing is, these stories often speak to me and last week was a perfect example. I was reading the story about the prophecies in Isaiah and loved how simple, but powerful the scripture was paraphrased:

“Dear Little Flock,

            You’re all wandering away from me, like sheep in an open field. You have always been running away from me. And now you’re lost. You can’t find your way back.

            But I can’t stop loving you. I will come to find you. So I am sending you a Shepherd to look after you and love you. To carry you home to me. You’ve been stumbling around., like people in a dark room. But into the darkness, a bright Light will shine! It will chase away all the shadows, like sunshine.

            A little baby will be born. A Royal Son. His mommy will be a young girl who doesn’t have a husband. His name will be Emmanuel, which means ‘God has come to live with us.’ He is one of King David’s children’s children’s children. The Prince of Peace.

            Yes, Someone is going to come and rescue you!

            But he won’t be who anyone expects.”

            In the midst of constant changes and trials, how wonderful it is to have the assurance of a Savior who never changes or leaves us. We will always be sought and found!

“Pray Continually”

            1 Thessalonians 5:17 puts it simply, “Pray continually”. This has honestly always been a struggle for me because I sometimes fall into stubbornness and believe the lie that “I can do it on my own”. It's easy for me to get in a routine of praying when I wake up and before I go to sleep, but the reality is that I need to be in constant communication with Jesus to handle any situation I might face throughout the day. Conditioning myself to immediately run to Jesus in prayer constantly throughout the day, in moments of both despair and celebration, has been difficult, but so rewarding and eye opening. I’ve learned that when I talk to Jesus about what is going on (the big and even the little things), an immediate wave of comfort covers me. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the situation changes or things are better in that moment, but what I gain is so much more…peace that only comes from my Father and Best Friend, because of my choice to put my faith in Him. 

           

          Sharing my faith and who God is with my students and others here in Bolivia has opened my eyes to such extreme spiritual warfare as I’m actively in this spiritual battle daily in ways I’ve never opened myself up to before. What joy we have in the truth that God can and will give us peace that we can’t humanly fathom…and all we have to do is turn to him and accept this precious gift. As Philippians 4:7 says, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I recently listened to a powerful song "I Will Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards. Here are the lyrics:

“I will waste my life, I'll be tested and tried


With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet



I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother


I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other



I am in love with You There is no cost


I am in love with You There is no loss


I am in love with You I want to take Your name


I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus


Just let me cling to You Jesus”

          The idea of “clinging” to Jesus really struck me. What powerful words. It made me think about how my relationship with Him is a daily choice and commitment. It is two-sided just like any other relationship. If I’m not in constant communication, giving my all, and being in His Word to learn more about Him…then what is the point of the relationship. 

          While discussing the importance of striving to be in the Word consistently with our 12^th grade discipleship girls a few weeks ago, we began talking about what an authentic relationship with Jesus is. It was good to verbalize some simple truths that are sometimes so easy to forget…a relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship we will ever have, communication with Him is crucial throughout the day - every day, and we need to get to know Him by reading His Word consistently. After all, a relationship won’t continue if the elements of communication, trust, love, and wanting to continue to learn more about the other person are not present. If those things are priorities and crucial in our relationships with family, friends, significant other…shouldn’t they be evermore so in our relationship with Jesus? I want to cling to Jesus…every day, every week, every minute. That is my prayer for you as well!

            Time after time of trying to handle things by myself on my own strength just continued to break me down until I couldn’t do it anymore and finally ran to the One who could. Through being in constant communication with Jesus and giving him every part of my life and who I am, I am able to be in His perfect peace and receive strength through Him…especially in the midst of the storms and trials that will inevitably come in this shakable world.

            As we discussed this idea of God’s “unshakable” kingdom during our staff retreat a few weeks ago, we studied Hebrews 12:28-29 which says, “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” I read a devotion recently by Mary Fairchild and felt that she really put this idea of Christ’s unshakable kingdom into perspective:

“When we entered into relationship with Jesus Christ, we received a kingdom that cannot be shaken. We may live in an unstable world with earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, tornados, oil spills, terrorist attacks, wars, market crashes, unemployment, sickness, grief, and millions of other things that attempt to rock our foundation and destroy our peace of mind.

Don't let these temporal things take your eyes off God. Life may seem scary right now, but God is an all-consuming fire. He wants your total trust and reverence. Always remember, we belong to an unshakeable kingdom.”

            It’s been on my heart for a while now to be in more continuous prayer for my students. However, I didn’t want to just stop there, I wanted to open up the door for others to join me in this opportunity to prayerfully support these precious kiddos. Prayer is powerful. So how incredible would it be to have people from all over the world prayerfully supporting these precious children? Therefore, you…my family, friends, colleagues…immediately came to mind!

            I currently have fifteen sweet kindergarten kiddos in my class. Since my kindergarteners have a half day on Tuesdays and Thursdays and leave at noon, I am also able to work with English language learning students during Tuesday/Thursday afternoons each week. I am currently working with five ELL students (one 2^nd grader and four 1^st graders: two of which were my kindergarten students last year).  All of these children come from a variety of backgrounds and faiths.

            My daily prayer is that I can be the hands and feet of Jesus as I love them and serve them. This is something I cannot do in my own strength or alone. I am looking for prayer partners for these incredible children! Would you consider committing to pray for a child here in La Paz? If this is something you would like to do, please respond to this blog post or email me (keporter22@gmail.com) and I will send you a picture of a child and a short biography (please let me know if you prefer a boy or girl). I will do my best to keep you updated on his/her progress and prayer needs. You can also send emails to this student and I will make sure to read them with him/her.

Psalms 145:18 “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”

Thank you for investing in my life and in the lives of children in Bolivia!

With much love,

Katie

"You are Special"

             Wow, it’s hard to believe I’ve been back in La Paz for three weeks and that we’ve already had two weeks with our kiddos. There have already been a lot of ups and downs, but God has been teaching/reminding me of something SO important that I began to lose sight of amidst the craziness of moving back to Bolivia for a second year, getting a classroom together in five days, and diving right into a new school year.

            At the beginning of each year, I make sure to stress with my kindergarteners that we are all unique, different, and special, and that our uniqueness is something to celebrate. Entering into my 4^th year of teaching, one thing remains a constant…when my students first meet me, curiosity takes over and they stare and comment about my arm. When I first started my practicums in classrooms during college and during student teaching, sometimes I would get bummed that the first thing students noticed about me when they met me was that I looked different or “weird” as many would say because of my arm. I just wanted people, especially my students, to see me for me initially and not as “weird” or “different” because of my physical abnormality.

            However, I learned at a very young age that “God made me like this for a reason”, as my dad told me so simply when I came home from school crying uncontrollably one day when I was in kindergarten because older kids on the bus were making fun of me for looking different. My dad’s simply put, but deep meaning words of TRUTH, changed my heart that day and filled me with such love that has never left or failed me and never will. I realized the love of my Creator at that moment, only six years old.

            My dad went on to say that I would one day see why God made me the way He did. It has taken me years and years to begin to grasp and get a glimpse of God’s great plan. During tennis season my senior year of college, a fellow student, who wrote for The Andersonian (our college newspaper), asked if she could do an article about me for the sports section. I was surprised and wondered why she wanted to interview me. After all, I was a decent tennis player, but far from the best. During the interview, she asked about my tennis career and how I was able to overcome adversity to become a good tennis player, etc. It made me think back to things in my past that, honestly, I had tried to forget. I definitely took after my big brother when I was little and played every little league sport I could (baseball, soccer, etc.). I loved playing sports. However, just like many things in my life, the road was far from easy.

            When I was in 4^th grade, my dad asked if I would like to take tennis lessons. I was so excited about trying out a new sport and immediately said yes. My parents began talking to tennis instructors in the area and as my dad told me years later, many instructors refused to teach me because they felt that there was no way I’d be able to play with my arm. Finally, one instructor gladly welcomed me to his tennis academy. I will never forget Mr. Sinclair and his belief in me. He saw my determination, athleticism, and “refuse to give up” attitude, and instantly saw the potential in me. He never once doubted me or treated me any differently from the other kids. Just like my parents, he made me feel like I could do anything I put my mind to, physical abnormality or not. He taught me that all that mattered was my attitude and he could not have been more right. ATTITUDE is the key to most situations in life, and in my case, it was crucial to have the right attitude so that I did not just give up when things were difficult, which was often. So thankful for Mr. Sinclair and his willingness to take me under his wing when the majority of the instructors gave up on me before they even met me.  He’s one of the people who helped mold me into the person I am today and made an impact that will last a lifetime…simply by believing in me and teaching me how to believe in myself even against adversity and all the odds that were stacked against me.

           

            During one of my high school tennis matches, I learned after the match that the coach of the other team had said to my opponent, upon seeing me, that she should have no trouble beating me. I can’t remember the exact score, but it seems like I beat her 6-0, 6-1. Needless to say, I think that the coach learned a lesson that night and I hope he never judges a book by its cover again. I’m glad I didn’t know about his ignorant words before the match and just went out on the court and played my best. I was disheartened to say the least that a grown man would judge me and count me out after one look, but I’m glad that by just doing my best and not letting my arm hold me back, I was able to show him without a word that people can overcome and accomplish seemingly impossible things. My hope is that next time he will be slower to judge and quicker to think the best of people. That it really is about the heart of a person, not what they look like physically.

            People of all ages and walks of life have told me that I am an inspiration to them for one reason or another. Honestly, I have never strived to draw attention to myself or my accomplishments through adversity; I simply realized at a young age that I had two choices. I could pity myself and go through life telling myself that there was no point to try because I would probably fail, or I could believe in myself, have a positive outlook on life, and try my best in everything I put my mind to, even when failure was sometimes inevitable. Through this approach to life, I have inspired people along the way and I give all the glory to God for that. He is the One who sustains me and give me the wisdom and strength to keep persevering.

            As I mentioned earlier, at the beginning of each school year, I discuss how every one of us is unique and that we should celebrate our differences. The kids are very curious and sometimes even nervous about my arm. I show the clip from Finding Nemo where the other students tell Nemo that his little fin looks weird, Nemo’s dad says that he was born that way and they call it his lucky fin, and then the other kids say what makes them different. (I love when the seahorse says, “I’m obnoxious.”) J It’s so neat how my students seem to feel more comfortable after seeing the clip because they all love Nemo and realize that he had a little fin that makes him look different just like I have an arm that looks different. After that, they are more accepting and willing to ask questions!

            After a quarter of a century, I’ve finally come to view my arm as a blessing, not a burden. God uses the intricate way He made me to share His love and who He is through me. What a blessing that I can use my arm to teach young, impressionable 4, 5, & 6 year olds about how to celebrate our differences and how to encourage people in their differences instead of making them feel unworthy or unaccepted. I don’t want any of my students to grow up and have the same mindset of the tennis coach who judged my ability to play tennis after one look at me. I want them to love others as God has called us to do and I pray every year that God will use my experiences and the adversity I’ve faced to teach and guide them in loving, not judging others. God made us in His image and everything God makes/does is perfect and special.

             Now, teaching at a Christian school, I can take it a step further and openly share how God made us in His image and how He made each of us special. Last week I read the book You are Special by Max Lucado. Even though it is technically a children’s book, I would HIGHLY recommend anyone to read it if you haven’t. I read it last year to my students as well, but this year I was overcome with such strong emotions and almost teared up while reading it to my kiddos. The story is about a village of wooden people called Wemmicks and the woodworker who created them, Eli. The Wemmicks walk around giving each other dot stickers or star stickers. The beautiful, talented Wemmicks receive stars and the scratched, ugly, talentless Wemmicks receive dots. One of the Wemmicks who always receives dot stickers, Punchinello, is so sad and lonely. One day he meets a Wemmick named Lucia, who has no stickers because she doesn’t let what the others think of her matter, so the stickers just fall off. She tells Punchinello that she goes to see Eli every day and encourages him to go visit Eli.

Punchinello visits Eli and asks why the stickers don’t stick on Lucia. Eli says, “Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them. The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers.”

Punchinello says he doesn’t understand and Eli responds, “You will, but it will take time. You’ve got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care.”

As Punchinello leaves, Eli says, “Remember, you are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.” Punchinello believes in his heart that Eli really means it and a dot falls to the ground.

            The past few weeks, I’ve let the chaos, transition, and stress cause me to doubt my abilities and worthiness. Living, working, and doing life in the mission field comes with much spiritual warfare. The Enemy has been trying to get a foothold and discourage me with thoughts that I am not good enough…not worthy…not as beautiful, smart, good as others around me. All of which I know are lies from the Enemy, but are hard to resist sometimes. Reading You are Special helped snap me out of that web of lies and reminded me of the truth: I am special. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am loved. I am not alone.  And if I make time for my Creator, to really talk to Him and go to Him EVERY day, He will not let me forget these TRUTHS. He made us and He does NOT make mistakes. Hallelujah!

As David says in Psalm 139:1-14,

“Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, LORD. You have encircled me; You have placed Your hand on me. This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it. Where can I go to escape Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there. If I live at the eastern horizon or settle at the western limits, even there Your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will become night’- even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You. For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.”

Thanks for taking time to read this lengthy post!

Love,

Kate

P.S. Here are my sweet kiddos and the fun picture frames we made after reading the story to hang up in our room. :)

       

   

Transition

Transition. So much is wrapped up in this one, simple word. I have received a crash course in transition lately. In the past two months I returned to the States for summer break and then back to Bolivia. It’s incredible to have two homes on two different continents with two very different cultures, but with that comes the dreaded transition back and forth between two places where my heart is and where my “family” is. 

          Coming home for summer break was a completely different experience from Christmas break. There was just enough time over the summer to begin to get in a routine enough to realize that I no longer have a “routine” in Indy. My life (community, job, church family, etc.) is now in La Paz. I felt out of place, isolated, and craving community in a place where I’ve spent 24 years of my life and where the majority of my family and friends are. After a couple of weeks of being frustrated by this confusing concept of “home” and a meltdown with my mom (sorry, Mom), I began to realize the root of the issue. I was basing my identity and happiness on feeling at “home”. When in reality, no place in this world is truly our home. I was seeking joy from family and friends and being back “home” in Indy. I wanted the people who know and love me better than anyone to know the “right” questions to ask me, to know when I needed a hug or just a listening ear, or when I needed space. I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself and those around me because I didn’t know how else to handle the isolation and “identity crisis” I was facing. 

          A couple of weeks before returning to La Paz, I finally took a step back and stopped trying to control my feelings, micromanage the transition, and put pressure on my loved ones to somehow make things easier. I realized God was teaching me something (well, a lot of things) through this season of transition. Here’s a few of those hard lessons: relinquishing control and my humanly impulse to want to micromanage things, relying SOLELY on Him to find peace even amidst chaos and confusion, appreciating others for where they are in this season of their lives instead of inadvertently putting pressure on family/friends to understand exactly what I’m going through or what questions to ask or when to give me space, openly expressing my feelings the best I can so people can begin to understand more, accepting that relationships WILL change and that it is ok, change/transition pushes me out of my comfort zone and makes me grow in all areas of my life, and most importantly, my joy, strength, peace, and comfort can only come through Christ. Earthly homes are temporary, but what joy there is in knowing that one day I will be in my eternal, perfect Home. 

          The truth that sometimes I so easily overlook is that we are made in the image of God and our hearts constantly long to be in relationship with Him because the things of this world can’t quench the thirst and emptiness that is only filled by accepting and loving our Creator. I’m so incredibly thankful that God has provided me with wonderful family, friends, and communities in both my Indy home and La Paz home. I truly believe he surrounds us with such “family” whether blood related or not, to help us through tough times, especially in seasons of extreme change and transition. This summer, once I began praying, talking to God about what was on my heart, and not putting pressure on myself or those around me to handle transition the “correct” way, it is amazing the peace and joy I felt, and as a result, was able to more fully enjoy my last few weeks in my Indy home. 

          I recently came across a quote that described transition as a project. There is no road map to handling transition perfectly. Instead, it is a process filled with many ups, downs, and bumps along the way. When I accepted that I needed to bestow grace upon myself as well as seeking God’s grace, my load became much lighter. What a comfort it is to know we serve a God of grace, mercy, and never failing love. In these times of transition, when there is no rulebook on how to “correctly” handle change and the emotions that come with it, it’s an indescribable comfort to have a strong foundation in Christ that will never fail. (And it always helps to have such amazing family and friends who are quick to forgive and show me grace as well on those rough days.) J

            I’ve been in my mountainous home for about a week now and it is truly wonderful to be back. It is nice to already have a foundation here with my community, job, and apartment. It feels like coming home instead of just living in a foreign country. I’m excited to meet my new kindergarteners tomorrow and to be reunited with all of my kiddos from last year. I’m so grateful that even in the midst of a crazy work week, only having five partial days amidst several meetings to completely set up my room, adjusting back to Bolivian culture and altitude, speaking Spanish, and being 4,000 miles away from loved ones in Indy, God continues to bestow peace on me and my life here even during the most chaotic days. We serve a pretty incredible God. J Looking forward to all He will do during this school year!

            Especially during this time of beginning a new school year, this scripture today at church was a good reminder to continue running the good race and to keep persevering:

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

          So, if there’s anything I hope you take away from my thoughts, I hope you feel encouraged to keep persevering even through times of exhaustion or transition or heartbreak, because our Savior will never leave or forsake us and will walk with us every step of the way…all we have to do is turn to Him. We don’t have to and weren’t made to do it on our own. Thank goodness!