"Let It Go"

        Today I write with a burdened heart and spirit, but my hope is that by sharing my burden and how God is working in the midst of this pain, that you will be encouraged as well. At church this morning, the sermon was about letting go of the past: past hurts, bitterness, and anger. Over the past couple of weeks, for the first time in over a year, I was burdened with the pain and hurt of a time in my life that took me so long to heal from and that healing was only possible with support of family, friends, and only through God's healing hand and strength that comes only from Him when we cry out to him. As the sermon continued, I became overwhelmed with this bitterness and pain from the past that I had not relived in so long. It was such a suffocating feeling that things that were said and done to me years ago were all of a sudden gripping me with those feelings I haven't felt since that time in my life and I became terrified that those awful experiences in the past still seemed to suddenly have so much power and control over me again to the point of making me feeling physically sick. I knew God was convicting me through this sermon and that it was something that I really needed to hear, but I couldn't believe the extent to which it was affecting me.
       One of the verses shared this morning was Proverbs 14:30, "A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones." For me, it's not jealousy, but I struggle with the bitterness and anger that stems from painful words and events that I was succumbed to in my past. Harboring these feelings not only effects my mind, but can begin to eat away at me physically. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I had to talk with this person and eventually even when I had to be in this person's presence. For those few years, I wasn't aware of the extent of this basically verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation that I had become a victim of. I felt like it was just something I had to endure until one day, I finally had the courage to break free of those chains and pain. It's incredible how manipulation and constantly being fed lies about who I was or how I needed to act began to brainwash me into thinking that something was wrong with me and that I was a horrible person that couldn't seem to say the right words or do the right things. Seeking this person's approval began to consume me and the enemy's foothold dug deeper and deeper. Now looking back, I believe that part of the brainwashing was largely in part due to my great need to please people and the fact that this person was a Christian, so I felt that it must be something wrong with me and I should of course respect and trust this person as a fellow Christian. I had never been succumbed to this kind of treatment and wickedness before, so I was lost in a web bewilderment and confusion. Everyone else at that time and throughout my whole life, had always told me only positive things about my character, values, personality, and the person I strived to be as a daughter in Christ through my accomplishments as well as my many flaws and mistakes. Therefore, it became almost a challenge to make this person see that I am a good person who strives to live a life pleasing to God. The thing I know, but had a difficult time accepting during that chapter in my life, was that some people simply have so much pain and unhappiness in their own lives, even if they seem to have it all together, and unfortunately can take that anger out on others around them in an attempt to make themselves feel better. I, unfortunately, had become a victim of this treatment. And at some point, it's no longer the words or events that happened in the past that are the issue, it's the bitterness and resentment that still engulfs us.
      Another passage discussed was Ephesians 4:31-32, "All bitterness, anger and wrath, insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ." Forgiveness…such a simple word, but so difficult to fully execute in our lives. When I eventually broke free of this person's control in my life, I felt like justice would not be done if i simple forgave and said everything was fine. But after years of working through this and seeking God's wisdom on this issue, I've come to realize a few things about forgiveness. If I don't forgive the wrongs that were done to me, I will never be free of that person's control on my life. I am, in essence, still letting her "win". I am letting the hurt use up way too much of my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. In this person's constant aggression and harshness, even though it took every ounce of control I could muster and constant prayer, I knew I couldn't respond in the same manner, but instead with patience and calm, kind words. The first time that I sensed that I was starting to retaliate back with similar harshness and aggression, I took a step back and vowed that I would not change what I stood for and who I was by reciprocating this immature, wicked behavior. Even though it goes against our humanly ways, God calls us to respond with love in a tender-hearted response. When I began this journey of forgiveness, one of the hardest things was giving up the right to get back at this person and seeking "justice", but in doing so, I gradually realized the freedom from the chains that had held me down for years. God's sovereignty in such painful situations as this is so evident when we are constantly in communication with Him and seeking his guidance. He can use our painful experiences for His glory and the good of His kingdom even when we can't see it at the time. Now looking back, through years on this journey of healing, forgiving, and growing, I can see how God uses my past experiences to empathize and share with others how I overcame this traumatizing experience.
       The final passage mentioned today was Romans 12:19-21, "Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good." My prayer for myself is to not be conquered by evil, but to conquer evil by doing good. Even though hurtful things said about me and, on occasion, even my family, I choose to give the anger to God in exchange for a peaceful hart. I am now determined to not let the hurt form my past poison my body, heart, and soul. One important part about forgiveness that I've come to learn is that forgiving does not mean that I become a mat to walk on. Saying I forgive the person who wronged me does not mean that I have to trust her or let her back in my life. It simple means that I choose to give that hurt and anger to God so that I can be free of the poison that resulted from all of the pain of the past. I became frustrated with myself that the pain I've already given to God came back to haunt me the past few weeks when I haven't thought about it in so long. As always, people from my amazing community here immediately surrounded me with love and encouragement when they could sense that something was eating at me. Through talking things out, I was reminded that forgiving and letting all of the pain go is a constant process. When I am overcome with the pain of the past, that is when I run to God and continue the healing process. Even though this process will probably never be complete since it is impossible to forget what has occurred, I've realized that it is teaching me that I can't do this on my own, God will never stop walking me through this, and each time I hit a low, it brings me that much closer to God and strengthens my relationship with Him.
       Thank you so much for sticking with me through this lengthy post. I hope that what God's shown me and continues to show me through this healing process will be an encouragement for you if you're struggling with past hurts that maybe seem to continue to have control over your life. I pray that God would give you peace as you continue to give that poison to Him.
       I just finished reading an amazing book called Unbroken. If you have not read it, I would HIGHLY recommend it. It is the true story of olympian Louie Zamperini and his experience as a POW in Japan during WWII. This quote from the book refers to Louie's satanic treatment during his nearly three years as a POW and occurs a few years after the war when he accepts Christ, "Resting in the shade and the stillness, Louie felt profound peace. When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to save him. He was not the worthless, broken, forsaken man that the Bird had striven to make of him. In a single, silent moment, his rage, his fear, his humiliation and helplessness, had fallen away. That morning, he believed, he was a new creation." What an encouragement that if a man, who was brutally abused physically as well as told lies and verbally beaten down to the point of feeling completely dehumanized and worthless, can forgive his captors, we don't have to be shackled by past pains and abuses either. What an amazing testament to God's goodness and love for us.

       I pray, that as the body of Christ, Christians will come alongside each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. What an amazing thought of what this world would be like and what could be accomplished if our selfish wants and humanly ways were pushed aside and we chose daily to live as Christ calls us to live. I hadn't heard this Hymn in years, but it struck home this morning. Here are the lyrics to "They Will Know We are Christians By Our Love":

"We are one in the Spirit
We are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit
We are one in the Lord

And we pray that our unity may one day be restored
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yeah, they'll know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other
We will work side by side
We will work with each other
We will work side by side

And we'll guard each man's dignity and save each man's pride
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yeah, they'll know we are Christians by our love, our love"

"Why?"

            On Mondays, my roommate, Jill, and I lead an 11^th grade girls’ discipleship group. Our last study was incredible. The girls had great questions, which led to in-depth discussions. One such question was, “Why do bad things happen?” Throughout my life, this question of “Why?” has often crept into my mind. Such a simple, one-word question, yet so complex and can begin to spread like poison in our minds if we let it. When this question was asked, I felt my heart begin to beat a little faster and felt led to share my experiences and struggles with this question and let God speak through me. This question has occupied my mind many times:

“Why was I born with three fingers and a frozen elbow on my right arm?”

“Why did I have to go through my childhood constantly being made fun of, stared at, and having to question how some people could be so insensitive and sometimes even cruel?”

“Why did my five year relationship with my “high school sweetheart” have to end in such a heartbreaking, unnecessarily painful way?”

“Why was my dad diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and had to endure two rounds of chemotherapy?”

 “Why did my grandmother pass away so suddenly last April?”

            I’ve learned that, if permitted, this simple question can fester in our minds and eventually begin to harden our hearts.

            My Creator, my Comforter, my Savior, has always, is always, and will always be the answer to this often times poisonous question. When I enter the valley of darkness that this question can lead me to, God simply takes my hand and with such patience, faithfulness, and love, leads me back to the light of His presence where I find comfort, peace, and shelter from the questions and insecurity that stem from dwelling on this simple, three letter word which the enemy so desperately wants me to dwell on so I become blind to the blessings and wonders all around me.

            But God has had and continues to have an amazing, divine plan for my life as He does for all of us. He has conditioned me to simply trust in His holy plan, especially through the darkest of valleys, because that is when he has truly molded and shaped me into the person I am today with a heart to follow Him. Our Heavenly Father meets us in the darkest places, in our sin, and in our questioning & doubts. I recently read an article from “Beliefs of the Heart” (http://beliefsoftheheart.com/2013/07/23/i-wonder-if-sunday-school-is-destroying-our-kids-2/) and this part of the article articulated the wonder of the gospel beautifully: “The wonder of the gospel is not the love of the beautiful; it’s when Beauty kisses the Beast. The Beast isn’t loved because he has changed; the Beast is changed when he is loved. Joy doesn’t come when he’s loved for his beauty; joy overwhelms him when he is loved in his hideousness.”

            Through God’s Word and my relationship with Him, my eyes have been opened to the blessings that have come from these dark places. My dad’s utter faith and positive attitude through his nearly ten-year battle with cancer has made such an incredible impact and inspired all those around him and those he comes in contact with. My Grandma El lived such a long, wonderful life loving those around her and serving her Lord. Just as in life, she impacted and continues to inspire so many with her story even as she left her earthly life to go Home.  What a blessing it is that she is no longer in pain, but is rejoicing and dancing in Heaven with her Savior. Through such heartbreak and pain that ending a five year relationship brings, especially under difficult circumstances, I rejoice in the ending of that chapter of my life because it taught me so much and with its end, I became fully free to follow God’s will in my life, which has led me to this amazing journey here in La Paz!

Lastly, the blessings that have stemmed from such a seemingly horrible thing as being born with a “deformed” arm continue to amaze me daily. When I was in kindergarten, I came home from school one day in tears because some older kids were making fun of my arm. My dad looked at me and simply said, “Kate, God made you like this for a reason and one day you will understand why.” Those words never left me and now I can fully understand the truth behind them. When people ask me about my arm, the thing I want them to understand is that I don’t view it as a burden, but a blessing. It has taught me how to love ALL people with great empathy, compassion, and love. It has made me a person with such determination that I refuse to let anything hold me back or to be told that something isn’t possible. I am able to help my students learn that we are all unique and how to treat people who look “different”. At the beginning of the year, I show a clip from Finding Nemo when Nemo’s friends ask him why he has a little fin. Then, they go on to point out something that’s different about themselves. I love how my students begin to think of my arm as “normal” and get upset when other students say that my arm looks weird. It’s amazing how God can use my arm to help not only my kiddos, but also all those around me learn how to truly accept people, differences and all!

            So, with all that said, I don’t have the answer to the question “Why do bad things happen?” and I don’t think I ever will until I meet my Maker. What I do know is that we live in a fallen world full of sin and destruction, but we have hope because our King has sent His Son to save us. In my life, when I’ve turned to God instead of my own humanly ways, He has shown me the good only He can bring from the worst of situations.

            This passage in Romans has been a great inspiration to me that I constantly turn to when life seems so overbearing that it’s hard to find the light. I hope it can be a source of comfort and encouragement for you as well!

“Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Also through Him, we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” –Romans 5:1-5

Also, if you have a few minutes, check out Scott Hamilton’s testimony on “I am Second”. What an incredible man with an inspirational story! http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/scott-hamilton/