Fear
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of changes.
Fear of transition.
Fear of loneliness.
Fear of not
belonging.
Fear of the future.
Fear of inadequacy.
Fear of
relationships.
Fear of never feeling
at “home" again.
These are a few of the fears that have
crept into my mind at one time or another this past month. Transition, although
it leads us to new places and experiences, is NEVER easy I’ve learned. I’ve been burdened the past few months with
the decision of whether or not to renew my contract at Highlands for a third
year. Through much prayer and processing, God has given me peace about my
decision to return to Indy at the end of June. If only feeling at peace made
transition more bearable.
Returning to Bolivia at the
beginning of January to transition into my last semester and last leg of my
Bolivian journey has been far from smooth. Nothing is set in stone for next
year, worry and fear constantly try to consume me, and even though there are
still four months left in the semester, I am already beginning to feel like I
am starting the transition process out of this place that now feels like home.
I had no idea it would hit me so hard already. I’m caught in a constant
struggle to find balance between being fully present in my last few months here
and preparing for the next chapter in Indy.
During this past month, I have felt
burdened and there have been many days where I’ve felt like I’m struggling to
keep my head above water. However, during this messy time of transition and
anxiety about the future, God has continuously been speaking His truth into my
life.
Before leaving Indy, my parents and
I went to see Unbroken, the amazing true story of Louis Zamperini, Olympian and
World War II POW survivor. My roommate told me about the book (which I HIGHLY
recommend reading) last year and I had no idea before reading it the lasting
impact Louis’ story and testimony would have on my life. His perseverance
through training for the Olympics, being stranded at sea for weeks, literally
beating away sharks, being shot at, being tortured (physically, mentally,
emotionally, etc..) at Japanese POW camps, and battling alcoholism, is beyond
incredible. He faced countless challenges and many horrors that most of us
can’t even begin to imagine. Listening to interviews he did in recent years,
His testament to God’s faithfulness and love, even in light of all he had been
through in his life, is inspiring to say the least.
As Laura Hillenbrand (the author of Unbroken) wrote about
Louis, “When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all
that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to
save him.”
In some
capacity, we are all facing our own relentless struggles. Through Louis’ story
of perseverance, forgiveness, redemption, and faith, I am reminded that nothing
I’ve faced, am currently facing, or will face in this life is too big for the
God I serve.
Last week, my
daily devotion (Jesus Calling) echoed
this beautifully, “I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come
to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can
accomplish. Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great
thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are
yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in
the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the
situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view
them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your
mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.”
I
recently read an article about fear being an idol. As much as I hate to admit
it, I think of many times in my life that I’ve succumbed to fear idolatry. In
the article, John Pavlovitz says, “The truth is, Fear has become a false God, one too many of us
worship with complete and undying devotion…So let's pray. Let's pray that all
of us learn to stop worshipping the false idol of Fear. Let's pray that
our churches recapture a sense of the God who is worthy; not just of defending
and quoting, but trusting. Let's pray for
the rest, joy and humility that comes from putting faith in someone greater
than ourselves and in the things we fear. Every
day, even with the mystery that grows on the journey, my security is growing.
I know how big my God is. Do you?”
Right now, I’m finding myself
fighting this question every day. Am I going to choose to believe how big my
God is and put my complete faith in Him? Or am I going to idolize fear and let
it consume me? I’m learning that the only way I can consistently choose faith
is by communicating these fears to the only One who can defeat them the moment
they enter my mind. Is my God able? YES.
Last week, the sermon at church was on
“The Parable of the Lost Sheep” from Luke 15. The pastor explained that when a
sheep is lost, it gets scared and lays down. The shepherd leaves the rest of
the flock to find the lost sheep. When the sheep is found, the shepherd carries
him on his shoulders back to the flock. What a beautiful analogy and great
reminder that God will never stop seeking us when we’re lost. He will always
find us and carry us back “home” into His presence.
After lunch on full days, we have
read aloud time. I read a story from the Storybook Bible, which paraphrases
stories from the Bible in a way that is easier for children to comprehend. The
funny thing is, these stories often speak to me and last week was a perfect
example. I was reading the story about the prophecies in Isaiah and loved how
simple, but powerful the scripture was paraphrased:
“Dear
Little Flock,
You’re all wandering away from me,
like sheep in an open field. You have always been running away from me. And now
you’re lost. You can’t find your way back.
But I can’t stop loving you. I will
come to find you. So I am sending you a Shepherd to look after you and love
you. To carry you home to me. You’ve been stumbling around., like people in a
dark room. But into the darkness, a bright Light will shine! It will chase away
all the shadows, like sunshine.
A little baby will be born. A Royal
Son. His mommy will be a young girl who doesn’t have a husband. His name will
be Emmanuel, which means ‘God has come to live with us.’ He is one of King
David’s children’s children’s children. The Prince of Peace.
Yes, Someone is going to come and
rescue you!
But he won’t be who anyone expects.”
In the midst of constant changes and
trials, how wonderful it is to have the assurance of a Savior who never changes
or leaves us. We will always be sought and found!
