Faith

            Last week, a beautiful, loving woman of God went Home to be with her Savior. Vonda, my best friend’s grandmother, passed away due to a severe stroke followed by another stroke the next day. I called her “G”, just like her grandchildren, and she was like a grandma to me. Last Wednesday, upon hearing that she passed away, my emotions were everywhere. I was overwhelmed with feelings of immense helplessness, confusion, and sadness. I have never lost a loved one while being overseas, and the only way I can explain what I felt was an uncontrollable, suffocating feeling. For the first time, I felt stuck in Bolivia and wanted nothing more than to be home. Thankfully, my amazing roommates and mentor buddy were there for me to process with, pray with, and just be with me in silence when words just didn’t seem adequate to express what I was feeling.

            I first started to get to know G my freshman year of college when Alex and I lived on the same floor of Martin Hall at Anderson University. By junior year, she was like family to me. She knew I loved tennis and since she volunteered with NJTL (National Junior Tennis League) of Indianapolis, she put in a good word for me and I interviewed at the end of my sophomore year of college and got a job as a tennis instructor. I was an instructor with NJTL for four wonderful summers and was so blessed by that opportunity, the kids, and especially the people I met and worked with. I hope she knew how much I appreciated her help and taking time to introduce me to the wonderful NJTL organization/family.

            G was so incredibly spunky and full of life. There were no boundaries. She would ask me anything and we could talk about everything…I loved that. She would ask about school, work, family, and, of course, boys (and even tried to play matchmaker once)! She would even come cheer me on at my college tennis matches. When I went out to lunch/dinner with her, she never let me pay. She spoiled me and often had me laughing to the point of tears with her witty humor and hilarious comments. Even on the worst days, she could cheer me up with little effort.

            My Grandma El passed away last April 23^rd, almost a year to the day. That was one of the most difficult times for me. Having G in my life made a world of difference. She encouraged and loved me through that time and really became like an adopted grandma to me. I feel blessed for every minute I was able to spend with her. Grieving the loss of G has brought back the memories of losing my grandma last year. The most comforting thing during that time was the peace that came with knowing that she was Home with her Savior and no longer in pain. What a comfort we have that G is now at peace and with her Savior as well. Alex, I bet they’ll be good friends. J

            This past week, my faith has been tested, Grieving the loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult things in this world, but I’ve realized that grieving from a different continent 4,000 miles away really puts faith to the test. It brings about so many emotions. I feel beyond helpless that I can’t be at my best friend’s side grieving with her. I’m angry that I couldn’t go to the hospital and tell G I love her and how much she means to me and how much of a difference she’s made in my life. I’ve always been by Alex’s side when she had a family member in the hospital and it was the worst feeling that I couldn’t this time. When I found out that G had a 2^nd stroke and passed away soon after, I couldn’t comprehend it. All I wanted to do was hug Alex and be with the family and grieve WITH them, not 4,000 miles away. It was difficult to pray. I couldn’t make sense of anything, especially my emotions. Both of my wonderful roommates and mentor buddy surrounded me with endless love, encouragement, and prayed with me. While processing with them, I realized that I was really struggling with giving it all to God because I was putting guilt on myself for not being with Alex when she needed me most and also putting pressure on myself to do more that just pray. Unfortunately, distance and not as readily available communication made that impossible. I realized all I had and could rely on was faith. I had no choice but to accept that I could do nothing more than pray and give it ALL to God and relinquish all control/want of control of the situation. I wanted to be with Alex and her family at the hospital and viewing/funeral, I wanted to grieve with them, I wanted to be able to do more, but that was not in God’s plan. I know He’s called me here and this is where I need to be. Therefore, I need to love and grieve from here and have the faith it takes to truly believe and know in my heart that God’s love, comfort, and sovereignty are more than enough for Alex, Lisa, and the whole family, and enough to give me peace with being a continent away during this time. God continues to teach me the true meaning of faith, and I’m realizing that I’m receiving a crash course right now. Even though it’s hard to realize in the midst of such sadness and grief, what comfort we have in knowing that it is all in God’s hands and He will always carry us through the storms when we seek and call out to Him. He will never leave us.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all" (Psalm 34:17-19 NIV)

We found this beautiful poem when Grandma El passed away. Alex and Lisa, I hope it is a source of comfort for you and for anyone who’s lost a loved one.

God's Garden

 "God looked around His garden

And He found an empty place

He then looked down upon the earth

And saw your precious face

He put His arms around you

And lifted you to rest;

God's Garden must be beautiful

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering

He knew you were in pain

He knew you'd never ever

Get well on earth again.

So He closed your weary eyelids

And whispered "Peace be thine"

Then He took you up to Heaven

With Hands so gentle and kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you

But you did not go alone,

For part of us went with you

The day God welcomed you home.”